One More Thing...
Flapping in the Breeze
By Ken Graham
Many of you here in rural southeast Washington may not be aware, but a battle is being waged in suburbs across America. Hanging clothes on an outdoor clothesline is against the rules in many suburban housing developments. And needless to say, activists throughout the land are hopping mad.
Mothers, housewives and grannies have been turned into scofflaws because their clotheslines are considered eyesores. (Yes, we're talking mostly about women – men are far too lazy.) Environmentalists (those radicals) are screaming that electric clothes dryers are sucking electricity, and greenhouse gasses are being spewed into the air in order to provide people with soft, fluffy clothes in a hurry. They want action . . . now!
In states from Hawaii to Florida, "right-to-dry" laws are being passed by legislatures, prohibiting those rules that force law-abiding citizens to sneak out into the yard at night in order to responsibly dry their clothes. Or worse – having to string a clothesline in the hallway.
Neighbors, on the other hand, are aghast that they are now forced to endure a slum-like atmosphere, viewing their neighbors' raggedy old clothes and bed linens across the fence line.
I'm with the neighbors, quite frankly. The last thing I want to look at out my dining room window while I'm enjoying my dinner is my next door neighbor's underwear flapping in the breeze.
Which got me to thinking that neighborhoods could use a few more rules about what other people ought to have to do in order to make the lives of people like me more tolerable.
No Cute Mailboxes
Normally, I'm a "live-and-let-live" sort of person (couldn't you tell?), but some things are really unnecessary. If every morning while backing my car out of the driveway I had to look in my rearview mirror and see a dog's head across the street, with a little metal door clenched between its giant bared teeth, I think I'd have to consider moving.
No jogging if you're over 40 (except after dark)
I don't know about you, but I want to live in a neighborhood that's young and vibrant – even if I'm not. Buff young professionals or fit young mothers running with strollers are a great demonstration of the vitality of a neighborhood. But the last thing I want my friends to see when they come to visit is a bunch of white-haired old geezers waddling along, wheezing and looking like they're about to drop over with exhaustion. There's a reason they make treadmills and basements.
Factual bumper stickers about children required
Want to improve education? Here's my suggestion: Parents should have to post each of their children's grade point average on the rear bumper of their car. For instance, "My child is a B- student at Jefferson Elementary". Teachers I talk to dream about finding a way to get the parents of their students more involved. Voila!
The amount of your car payment must be posted next to your driveway
And while we're on the subject of honesty . . . Isn't it annoying when your neighbor gets a new Lexus, and then always parks it in front of the garage instead of in it? You know darn well that while he's strutting around with that big smile on his face, polishing up his driveway ornament, he's actually straining under the weight of an $800-a-month car payment. (At least you secretly hope.) There would be no sign-size restriction for those who put a big "0" next to their ratty old beaters that are paid for.
Mentioning the weather to your neighbor: prohibited
If you're going to live around other people, you have a responsibility to engage in at least semi-intelligent conversation. Sorry, but "lovely morning, huh?" doesn't cut it. If that's the best you can do, then better to just smile and keep your mouth shut.
Well, that's all the space I have to fill this month. Now it's time to go out in the back yard and fold my clothes.