One More Thing...
Why I Hate the Holidays
by Ken Graham
It's early October as I write these words. It's sunny and the forecast calls for temperatures in the high sixties. The early morning air is crisp, but the first frost has yet to arrive. The deep colors of the hills and the sky and the trees make every view like a postcard. As far as I'm concerned, autumn has the best weather of the year around here.
And yet I sit here, hovering over my keyboard, filled with a sense of gloom and despair. I look at the calendar and see that yet another cold, bleak winter is almost upon me. No amount of sunshine can warm my cold heart, and I want to crawl back into bed and stay there until April.
There's only one thing I dread even more than the cold, snowy winter ahead, and that's the holidays. Someone long ago got the bright idea that if we just set up a series of collective celebrations during the winter, somehow, we would be able to maintain our warm and sunny attitudes until the warm and sunny weather arrived in the spring. I'm sorry, but I – and I'm sure there are many others like me – would much prefer to wallow in my cold, dim, wintry world, and not pretend that things are more pleasant than they really are. I think the bears have the right idea.
This brings me to three things I really hate about the holiday season:
Good cheer. Around the holidays, I have to be even nicer to people than I normally would be, which is usually way more than I want to be. When I see someone I know in the grocery store, I say things like "I hope you have a nice [whatever holiday is coming up]", when in fact I don't really care. It's well known that most people are least happy during the holidays, so why do we have to fake it?
Decorations. It may be that I received a faulty gene or something, but if it were up to me, I'd just leave everything the way it is. I'm fine with it. Wintertime has become an endless stream of holiday decorations. By the time Valentine's Day has passed, I'm mentally exhausted looking at all the jack-o-lanterns and pilgrims and hearts and flowers. And don't even get me started on Christmas. By far my favorite holiday in the winter is New Years Day, with lots of football and no decorations.
Cards. Holiday cards are annoying for many of the same reasons decorations are. Here's a Christmas card I'd like to see:
On the front would be a picture of Santa Claus and Ms. Claus sitting at the kitchen table arguing. Santa Clause would be whining: "It's cold, and I don't feel like feeding the reindeer and cleaning out their barn. I think I'll park the sleigh and stay home this Christmas." On the inside, Mrs. Claus would say: "Look buster, I spent the last year cooking for those annoying little elves and listening to them whistle their stupid little tunes. You're going!"
OK, now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I feel a lot better. In fact, that kind of cheered me up. I realize now that maybe I'm just in a rut, and what I need is something to brighten my day. I think I'll go out into the warm sunny yard and carve a pumpkin. And all that stuff I said about hating the holidays? Never mind.
Oh, and Happy Halloween!