My New Year's Resolutions
by Myles Aweigh
[Editor's note: We told our friend Myles – who wrote a couple of reviews for us earlier this year – that we'd give him twenty-five bucks if he'd write about his 2008 resolutions for this month's column. Since he ran up his sister's credit card a bit over Christmas, and she's making him pay her back, he happily agreed. So here goes:]
1. Clean out the Maverick
I'm still driving the'74 orange Maverick that my parents bought me when I was in High School. It smokes badly now, but it gets me around. The biggest problem is that it's so crammed full of stuff you can't see any of the seats. Not even the driver's seat. A couple of months ago I was digging through the pile of clothes in the back seat and found my old Neil Young T-shirt. I was so happy . . . until I put it on. It's a little tight. [Actually it's a lot tight. Myles has gotten a little pudgy and, when we saw him, he looked completely ridiculous in that tight black shirt and stupid grin – Ed.] Which brings us to number 2:
2. Lose some weight
I'm still in OK shape, but I need to start jogging more. [When he runs, Myles wears frayed cut-off jeans and black sneakers and socks. He also wears giant aviator sunglasses, because he thinks no one will recognize him – Ed.] I always have my IPOD cranked up, but I've been having problems with it. Hence number 3:
3. Fix my IPOD
I used part of my inheritance to buy one of the first IPODs. Now I've worn out the wheel, and it's stuck on one song. I'm getting sick to death of "Stairway to Heaven". [We pointed out to Myles that most people were sick to death of "Stairway to Heaven" before the seventies were over, but he was adjusting his ear buds and didn't hear us. – Ed.] The IPOD is great though. It helps me write some awesome stuff. And thus number 4:
4. Help Ken shape up that dumb newspaper
All that school and library and restaurant and depot stuff is fine and dandy, but I want to read some dirt. I've offered over and over to write a column about who's getting arrested and who's running off with whose wife or husband. But no! He thinks he's some kind of choirboy or something. [There'll be some changes coming this year in the Blue Mountain News, but that won't be one of them. We do always encourage readers – even Myles – to give us ideas for new things they'd like to see in the paper. And by the way, no, we've never been a choirboy – Ed.] If Ken won't print my column I'll put in my new blog. It's called www.mylesaweigh.com. I heard that women really dig bloggers. And so number 5:
5. Find a Girlfriend
[Oops! We're out of room. But we'd like to wish Myles luck with that last one – he'll need it. And we hope all of our readers have a very happy new year and that all of your resolutions come true – Ed.]
Copyright (c) 2008, Blue Mountain News